why life must be this way..
Friday, June 27, 2008
I'm wondering

Im wondering..whats actually in my genes? Why i'm different with other people? How to be in love with my opposite sex? Or izzit me that actually dont want to be in love with my opposite sex? What r the things that exist inside the genes for straight's people? Is the genes that tells you to be in love with ur opposite sex really exist? So, my genes had stopped me to be in love with the opposite sex? Or im born with the genes that actually should be in a male's body? So that's why i can be easily in love with women?

So the scientists r doin their research..n havent found any answer yet. The possibility is yes.. Genes does effect ur love feeling. I've got no one to be blamed. Im born in the perfect family and doesnt have any bad history to do with man. I went to high school that is mix with boys n gals. I had d most popular boy in school appoarched me to be with him. But i refused. Cause im totally not in love with him. And actually admiring a straight girl @ class next door Wink. So..that was my history.

So the question is.. why? Im 24 years old now. I never had a single feeling towards guys. Its sad u know..to live life with sins. Of course it can be avoided. Just choose one of the boy that likes me..pick one.Then we go on.. get married.. have a child.. N live sadly ever after. After 7 years..my kid will ask "Mommy, why r u staring at that girl?"... and i'll anwer "I just cant avoid it...its in my genes."
Or in other case..  "Mommy..where's daddy?".. "I have no idea son..i don't care where he's going."

Do i have to choose my life to be the opposite side of myself? Do i have to force myself to be in love with a guy and then live like normal life? DO I NEED TO PRETEND?

I can't do it.. i really can't do it. If one day..i'll feel like.. I NEED TO GET MARRIED..it's time to do it.. cause im already reached 35years old.. and i'll be worried about my life..my future..i need to have a child.. then i'll freak out.. n pick one guy.. of course that guy will be so happy and so proud cause he think that he can actually change me to be straight..but that's not the point..im just worried about my future..n just wanted to have a child. But i dont want that to happend..n i also don't want to live like an old lady with her cats...n lots of them.  cry What i'm suppose to do..

So..if i chose to be that way..then i will live with that guy for rest of my life. But have u ever heard this quote? - ONCE A LESBIAN WILL ALWAYS BE A LESBIAN. I maybe be with him..but my feeling towards women cannot be change..for the rest of my life. I can't stop the adreline rush in my body if one girl wink at me. I can't stop my heart's beating real fast when a cute/beautiful girl say hi to me!
So that's how my life will end? Being with someone that is absolutely not my type and keep on pretending for the rest of my life?


The question is... How about my Happiness...do i have to sacrifice my happiness..just to live like a normal life?


Thank you. End.


p/s: No one can predict their future..The entire story was just a prediction of what my life would be.


Currently listening to:
Making Love Out Of Nothing At All
By Air Supply


elsilver taped a piece at 07:37 pm

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Tuesday, June 24, 2008
why do lesbians avoiding pengkid?

My  fren (pengkid) fren asked me yesterday. They're wondering why most lesbians r avoiding from them? LOL :)

I representing myself..i repeat..REPRESENTING MYSELF.. not represent all lessy in Malaysia. This is only my opinion..n my thoughts.. i dont know what others think and i have no idea what others will say about this matters.

For me, lessy/lesbian r not avoiding from pengkid. They're just not interested of knowing pengkid. If ure pengkid, and a male wanted to get to know u or smiling at u..of course u'll be avoiding from them as well rite? N of course you will not be smiling back at them? Rite? Plus..if u r pengkid or butch..and ure looking for partner..especially in the chat room..and a male msg u..of course u'll not entertain them rite? So the concept is the same. If a lesbian is looking for partner..and a pengkid msg her or say hi to her..of course she will be like bo-layan. Whats the point of knowing a pengkid? unless if she wanted to find friends..then she'll respond back to u.  Smile

So that's what i thought. Any questions? Shades


Currently listening to:
Hurt
By Christina Aguilera


elsilver taped a piece at 02:25 pm

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Saturday, June 21, 2008
An Amazing Love Story

He met her on a party. She was so outstanding, many guys chasing after her, while he so normal, nobody paid attention to him. At the end of the party, he invited her to have coffee with him, she was surprised, but due to being polite, she promised. They sat in a nice coffee shop, he was  too nervous to say anything, she felt uncomfortable, she thought, please, let me go home…suddenly he asked the waiter. “Would you please give me some salt? I’d like to put it in my coffee.”

Everybody stared at him, so strange! His face turned red, but still, he put the salt in his coffee and drank it. She asked him curiously, "Why you have this hobby?" He replied: “When I was a little boy, I was living near the sea, I like playing in the sea, I could feel the taste of the sea, just like the taste of the salty coffee. Now every time I have the salty coffee, I always think of my childhood, think of my hometown, I miss my hometown so much, I miss my parents who are still living there”. While saying that tears filled his eyes. She was deeply touched.

That’s his true feeling, from the bottom of his heart. A man who can tell out his homesickness, he must be a man who loves home, cares about home, has responsibility of home. Then she also started to speak, spoke about her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family. That was a really nice talk, also a beautiful beginning of their story.

They continued to date. She found that actually he was a man who meets all her demands; he had tolerance, was kind hearted, warm, careful. He was such a good person but she almost missed him! Thanks to his salty coffee.

Then the story was just like every beautiful love story , the princess married to the prince, then they were living the happy life… And, every time she made coffee for him, she put some salt in the coffee, as she knew that’s the way he liked it.

After 40 years, he passed away, left her a letter which said: “My dearest, please forgive me, forgive my whole life lie. This was the only lie I said to you�"the salty coffee. Remember the first time we dated? I was so nervous at that time, actually I wanted some sugar, but I said salt It was hard for me to change so I just went ahead.I never thought that could be the start of our communication! I tried to tell you the truth many times in my life, but I was too afraid to do that, as I have promised not to lie to you for anything..

Now I’m dying, I afraid of nothing so I tell you the truth: I don’t like the salty coffee, what a strange bad taste.. But I have had the salty coffee for my whole life! Since I knew you, I never feel sorry for anything I do for you. Having you with me is my biggest happiness for my whole life. If I can live for the second time, still want to know you and have you for my whole life,even though I have to drink the salty coffee again”.

Her tears made the letter totally wet.Someday, someone asked her: what’s
the taste of salty coffee?

It’s sweet. She replied.



* Sweet isn't it? Got this from the net..tought this is an interesting story to share.


Currently playing:
The Warriors
By Rockstar Games


elsilver taped a piece at 06:43 pm

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Thursday, June 19, 2008
Relationship.

Read/find my post dated 2nd September 2006.

Yep..that's her..i finally being in an official relationship with her on April 2007. It's been a year now..and we live together. Who said living together could bring so many problems? I didnt said that we never had any probs..yeah we had a fight..we had a real big fight..we do have a lil' real life wrestling scene..and all the other things..but then we realised that all those things brings us closer to each other.

I feel like she's part of my breath now..u never realize that ure breathing..because it's part of u..u live with it everyday n u need it so much until u dint realise the existance. Thats how i feel towards her.. i feel so damn close to her like she is me. I dont feel like she is another person...seolah2 jasad dia berada dalam tubuh aku sendiri sampai aku tak sedar kewujudan orang kedua (iaitu diri dia sendiri). Itu yg aku rasa. Its really hard to describe how close i feel towards her.

I hope we'll be together..as long as we could live together.. :)




Currently listening to:
Addicted
By Simple Plan


elsilver taped a piece at 11:03 pm

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Tuesday, February 05, 2008
New.Me.

It's good to be back..again. To be true..i wanted to delete my account, rather then just let it online without an owner, n letting people hope for new entry that is rarely being updated.What's the point updating blogs with no new information to write?

Anyway..Here we goes.

Im getting older. It's already been ONE year since my last post. My writting could be different by now..i guess. A lot of things happened. I have job...with good position too..at least, for me. I think this is yet the first best achievement in my life..others to come Wink hope so Big Smile

Ive got someone to 'temporarily' take care of me..used the word 'temporarily' because i would never know for how long the relationship is goin to be. It's just a normal lesbian n straight couple's life, rite? It will never be permenant. Divorce..death..break up..so many things cud happend.  How i wish i could use the words - permenantly take care of me. :)

Whatever it is, Im still living on my dreams, n will satisfied until i have Mazda RX8 with me. Shades

 



Currently listening to:
Bubbly
By Colbie Caillat


elsilver taped a piece at 07:40 pm

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